It’s been a while since my last entry.
Not completely my fault. A freaky combination of the lack of time plus Blogger being a bitch and eating up several of my previous entries (they are now resting in piece somewhere in the bowels of cyberspace) and the diminished desire to open up has led to my online therapy outlet resembeling a post-apocalyptic wasteland. So, what am I doing this very second, typing all this out?
Simple. I can’t sleep. Why’s that? Not so simple. I’ve been thinking. It’s been a while since I opened up, and let the floodgates loose. I’ve been guilty of bottling up everything inside of me in the past, which in turn has made me appear completely apathetic and anti-social. But for a while there, I thought I turned the corner. For good.
Apparently, I was wrong. So very wrong.
I’m on a downward slide towards that dark place again. Truth be told, it wasn’t supposed to be the way it is now. This year was supposed to rock. It was supposed to be the year where I finally took control. Yet, as I’m facing the prospect of turning 23 in slightly over the month, I realise I don’t control any-fucking-thing. And I feel sorry for myself. I act like I’ve got things more or less in check. It’s merely a facade. I don’t want to appear like such a litte fool, barely aware of the fact that the strings I pull result in nothing beneficial for me. Me, me, me. Does that sound self-centered? Narccistic, even? Selfish? Should I care more for other people, in order for karma to deal me a good hand next time?
But, wait. That tactic didn’t work either when I tried it out for, oh, the majority of my existence on this bloody planet. So, what exactly do I need to do? Or is it already pre-destined? Is it, truly and completely, out of my control? Does it mean whatever I do will not matter at all? Sure seems like it. Sure seems like the choices I make has no bearing whatsoever on what happens next in my life.
In which case… why bother? Might as well facilitate the freefall to the bottomless pit, innit?
Does this sound all too familiar? Am I being something of a drama mama? Perhaps.
OCTOBER. Winds of change. I’ve said enough.
OUT.
